Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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