i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
