just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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