Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
