Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
