But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
