Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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