I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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