Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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