so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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