I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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