btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
