I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
