dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Text me some of your sweat
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize