I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the liver wants what the liver wants
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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