you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
