I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
