i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
