I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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