he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize