I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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