the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
