he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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