i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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