so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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