he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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