I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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