I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
