Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
