im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
