I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
