Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize