ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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