Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
where are my eyebrows?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
