what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
my liver is dry heaving
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
