If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize