Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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