Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
