$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
