Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I feel like a drive thru vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
