I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize