I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my being single is dangerous.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
