I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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