...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
