pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
