I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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