Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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