How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
