you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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