I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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