Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
