You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
