I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize